<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>not the mirror image by Gerbilfriend</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24762298">not the mirror image</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerbilfriend/pseuds/Gerbilfriend'>Gerbilfriend</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Unreliable Narrator, spoilers for ep 97</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:42:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,779</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24762298</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerbilfriend/pseuds/Gerbilfriend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>the Mighty Nien and how they relate to Essek</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>The Mighty Nein &amp; Essek Thelyss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>94</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. not the mirror image</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Beau has corrections she needs to make for Essek</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You’re not Caleb you know”, Beau says and Essek isn’t quite sure how they ended up alone but chalks it up to the subtle streak that Beau sometimes showed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am aware that I am not Caleb”. It was a little snarky, yes, but Essek wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, couldn’t they see that he was-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not like that. Caleb thinks the distance between the two of you is as thin as a razor. It isn’t”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am not sure what you want from me”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That makes two of us”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would be so much easier if he knew, if he knew and could just give it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then again, if things were easy then they would not be the Nien.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“May I ask what the distance between us actually is then?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A fucking lot. You made your own choices. You chose to steal what you stole, to hide what you did. You chose”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you saying that Caleb did not have a choice?”, Essek asked, trying to put together what he knew of the wizard’s past.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. The shit Caleb blames himself for, the reason he thinks he’s like you. He’s not”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was more silence, something started across Beauregard’s face, words that she wanted to say but didn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was waiting for him to speak, to protest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was nothing more that he could say. They knew where he stood and Essek did not believe that he would be able to get away with any lies. Not here. Not to his friends, he would not lie again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you have nothing to say for yourself, no protest?”, she demanded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have nothing that has not already been said”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's the line you are going to stick too?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If there was anything else I could do I would do it”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re still saying that”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What else would you have me say, I am trying not to lie”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now you are trying not to lie?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beauregard scoffed. “Sure you are”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it was hard, it would be so easy to say what he knew the Nien wanted him to say, that he was sorry, that he was upset that he had gotten away with it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could say it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It just wouldn’t be true.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would like to be trusted again”. Every time he admitted it it was a little easier to say, and a little harder as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You do?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wanted to go back to the dinner, to the hot tub. To the strange feeling of being accepted, of being valued for Essek, even when he didn’t quite fit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to know why I don’t trust you?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would not say no”, he asked, taking the obvious window she was giving him. There was something she wanted to say, he just needed to make her feel like she had enough power to say it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because you’re like me”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek was not a man used to surprise, for all that the Nien continually knocked his world off it's axis.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You hate where you were born and they didn’t want you. You were the disappointment and the older you get the better you know this. You try at first to do what they ask of you, to prove that you can fit, to rise to their expectations but they push you down everytime. So you get angry, you get rebelsions, ‘if you won’t let me do this’, you think, ‘I’ll just do it anyways’. You break the rules, you fight, you don’t trust people, you don’t like people. They don’t get you, they’ll never understand you. Sound familiar?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It sounded like knowing the Umavi wanted an old soul, like waiting for an anamnesis that never came.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It sounded like throwing everything into learning, into trying to prove that he was valuable, that his soul was valuable, it was not a coincidence that Verin was twenty years younger than him after all, it sounded like the realisation that they were going to try again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It sounded like trying afterwards, because he could learn and he could grow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It sounded like questioning every rule and breaking every barrier but finding every door shut in his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It sounded like-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A little too familiar, I’m afraid”, he tried. There was a spark of triumph in Beauregard’s eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How about this then?”, she asked, crossing her arms, “it sounds like finding people. And maybe you care about them, maybe you might have finally found something fucking good in the your life, somewhere you fit. But it doesn’t quite matter, the world still isn’t quite real. Maybe they are, but everything else- you still don’t care, not really”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I believe I can see the similarities”. He could, to a degree. It was not that the world was not real to him after all, he did try to make sure no one undersevering was caught in the cross fire.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And that's the problem. Because what it took for me to care”, and Beau’s voice twisted, for the first time sounding unscripted with loss, “I can’t do that again. I won’t lose anyone else”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And this is why you can not trust me?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It is”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then all I can do is try to prove otherwise”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t like there were any other options for him.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I honestly have trouble seeing Caleb and Essek as foils outside of the whole wizard thing, this was sort of born of that XD</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. like mold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Essek and Caduceus take a chance to talk</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Essek shifted as Caduceus approached. He never knew quite how to interact with him. Caduceus was a man of faith for one, and that was just something that Essek was never quite able to grasp.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still, he was a member of the Nien, and Essek had learned and appreciation for his steady patience, even if he was not someone that Essek would ever understand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re kind of like mold, aren’t they” Caduceus asked. Essek wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that statement, luckily Caduceus kept talking. “Most plants, it's easy enough to pull them out before they have a strong purchase. Mold, by the time you see it it already runs through the entire object, and your only choice is to throw it out”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see”. He did. They had grown on him like that, invisibly, so by the time he realize that he cared, that they mattered it was far too late for him to do anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could scrape away the surface but the roots would remain. Essek breathed, trying to clear the thoughts from his head. A thought distracted him and Essek latched onto it.  Caduceus had been one of his supporters, in a sense, it was probably safe to ask, “how did you meet them, if I may ask?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caduceus sighed, “they showed up at my home one day and needed my help”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just like that?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caduceus was silent. “I told you once my home was dying, remember?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek did. He remembered everything about that night, that one glorious night. “That was why you left?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I believed that the Mighty Nien turning up was a sign, and I needed to follow them if I was to say my home”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That made sense, from a certain angle. If Essek ignored the faith in that statement. If he listened to the undercurrent and not the firblog’s soft, patient demeanor. It made sense. “You wanted to use them as well”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I suppose I did”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek wasn’t sure how he was supposed to respond to that either. That seemed to be a common state for him around the Mighty Nien in general and Caduceus in particular.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You achieved what you set out to do, did you not?”. Essek remembered the jungle, how the bright light had burned and how Jester had made him a parasol, just like that, just because he was uncomfortable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He still had the parasol, illusioned yes, but he still had it. Essek couldn’t imagine ever getting rid of it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had been an unexpected gift given with no strings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you not at your home then? You seemed quite”, Essek searched for the word, “fond of it”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caduceus smiled. At least, Essek thought it was a smile, there was a tinge of wistfulness though. “We’re back to the mold now”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek understood that at least. “They grew on you too, didn’t they?”. It was comforting that Essek was not the only person who had been drawn in by their warmth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They did. I want to see where they go. I want to see how they grow. This group of people, they are going towards something and I want to see them get there”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Even if it means you’d never be able to cut them out”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If I left now, went home now, I would always be wondering about them. Where they were, what they were doing, how they were doing. I owe them for everything they have done for me”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to see it too”, Essek admitted. He did. He wanted this peace to work out, not just because it was the best chance for him, but because it was the Nien’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wanted their crazy gambits to work. He wanted them to ask him to teleport them to crazy, out of the way why would anyone want to go here locations.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something itched at Essek. He didn’t want to say it outloud. He needed to know. Curiosity had always been his biggest flaw. “Is that why you are willing to give me a chance?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I suppose”, Caduceus agreed. “This group of people, the change you. The person you were when we met you, you are not that person anymore. I am not the person I was when I started traveling with them”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you regret it, being changed?”. Essek was not sure who the question was for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My home has a chance again”, Caduceus said, then when quiet for a moment, “and the world is so much bigger then I realized. I want to see more of it with them”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think either of us expected who we would be”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were silent after, but Essek felt like he could understand Caduceus a little better.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Still having fun with Essek as the M9 narrative foil idea, Cad was a really interesting one to do. Both of them sort of fell into caring about the Nien after having their own goals and reasons for spending time with them</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. all I Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Veth is not very chatty right now. I tried</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Veth wanted things. She always had. When she wanted something she needed to have it so she would get it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One of her earliest memories is this: her brother has a coin in his hand and she wants it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She takes it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her mother and father yell at her and make Veth give it back but she does not regret trying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Next time, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Veth promised herself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I will be sneakier.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She does get sneakier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Also gets better at controlling the Want because Good halfling girls don’t Want things like she does.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth isn’t very good at being a good halfling girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tried for Yeza though, and for Luc, because more than anything she’d ever Wanted in her life she Wanted for them to be safe and happy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then she isn’t a good halfling girl at all. There was no point in controlling the Want. Good halfling women didn’t Want things but she was Nott now, not Veth and Nott could Want things and took them before moving on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was nothing Nott wanted more than the next shiny thing. Maybe she should have cared that old men and women needed their sticks and people worked hard for their rocks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn’t. They were Shiny and she’d never been good at resisting Shiny things, other people needed or otherwise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that Nott wanted those old men and women to be hurt or anything, she just didn’t care.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then she gets Caleb.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She Wants Caleb at first, decides that Caleb is hers, because he can help her, she can use him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t stay like that forever, or even for very long.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soon she Wants for Caleb to be warm and safe and happy, soon Caleb matters to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then Nott gets the Nien.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At first they are just something for her to use, people for her to manipulate to help her protect Caleb until he can help her get back to her real life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, of course, these people have to become important to her as well. They have to become Her’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She Wants for the Nien now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's why she can’t trust Essek. He’s like her. They both Want and want and want, and when they want there is very little they won’t do to get it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nothing really.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth knows about wanting things.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had wanted Essek to be okay before he went away, Wanted Caleb to know he belonged, he was a part of the Mighty Nien and Veth’s and that he was theirs. She welcomed Essek to the Mighty Nien because of that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek didn’t really matter there. She liked him yes, he was interesting, yes. But he wasn’t her’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He might have been though, he might be. Veth hadn’t wanted to close the door on that, even as she had Wanted to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The problem was simple, really. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth understands him too well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She has two families, one of them is composed of, well, assholes, Jester and Caduceus. The other one is her husband and her son.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek has hurt both of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek has hurt both of them and he didn’t care because he Wanted. He has other reasons as well, but Veth understood the Wanting that lay beneath them all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek would Want things and he would take them and it would not matter, it did not matter, who got hurt in the crossfire.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth knows her Wants tend more to Shiny Things then Essek’s knowledge but she understands the core principle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right now, Veth knows as she watches Essek talking to Jester, she wants Essek out of her space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>More than that, Veth Wants him to understand that he hurt her husband, hurt her Yeza. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I might have been able to understand, after that night, </span>
  </em>
  <span>she almost had been but then Yeza had flinched when she turned out the light.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth Wanted Essek to understand that. He had done that to her husband. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But here’s the thing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There is a part of Veth that does like Essek, that Wants him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hadn’t been able to decide. She Wants and Essek Wants and she understands Wanting but that's what scares her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth has crossed a lot of lines for Wanting. Has hurt a lot of people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That's why he needs to be punished. If Essek Wants things and takes them and nothing happens then he can just keep Wanting things without thinking about if it will hurt Veth’s people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth can’t let that happen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of the Nien don’t understand, don’t get how Wanting things makes the world narrow down to a pin prick but Veth does. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Veth knows what it's like not to care about the person who you took the stick from. Not to worry about what someone needed the coin for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's always been too easy for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek is interesting and Veth liked him at least a little, or she had, before the ship, but she couldn’t let him hurt her people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m watching you”, she muttered as she slipped past Essek, a shadow, and saw his eyes widen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Good.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe then he would behave.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. as a matter of time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>There is a Caleb chapter cause its all m9, I hope its a little different at least</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I would have taken it you know”, Caleb said, barely more than a whisper as he leaned over the balcony next to Essek. “I would have”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Taken what?”, Essek asked, even though he was fairly sure he knew the answer. There was really only one clear option.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The beacon”, he paused for a second, “well, we called it the dodecahedron back then. I would have taken it and run”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Essek couldn’t imagine them apart, still, he needed to clarify. “With the Nien?”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No”, Caleb said, full of bitterness as Essek felt the world drop out from under him, like coming to the ground too hard, “well, maybe Nott, if she would have gone with me”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?”. The Nien were the Nien. Caleb had been just as determined as the rest of them to save Yasha, that kind of loyalty, that kind of loyalty was not the kind that ran with knowledge.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That was Essek, not Caleb.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Essek followed Caleb’s line of sight, staring off into the distance as he waited for the other wizard to speak. “I want”, Caleb said, stopping and starting, “I wanted knowledge, I wanted power. At first, at first I was just using the group, or that was what I told myself. If I had known…” and Essek wondered for a moment if there was not a hint of regret in Caleb’s tone, a hint of wistfulness.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that why?”. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why you wanted to forgive me? Because you understand, you would have stolen the Luxon as well in my place?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why you believe in me?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We are the same”. Essek could still feel the pressure of Caleb’s lips as they kissed his forehead.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You understand then”. And he knew he was fishing for sympathy, or something like that. He just needed to know.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He needed to understand.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That did seem to be how he got in trouble. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was in the basement once, alone”, Caleb started, urgent like it was a confession, “and if I had known what I had held in my hands I would have taken it and left with no regrets. I understand you, I was you once”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do they know?”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nien”, and it took Essek to remember that it meant no, “but it does not matter. I did not know and I did not run”, it sounded more like Caleb was trying to convince himself of that than anything else, “I did not know until I did and now I am not who I was before”. He could hear the </span>
  <em>
    <span>and I will not run now, </span>
  </em>
  <span>left unsaid.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Essek was pretty sure he understood what Caleb had just said. Reasonably sure. Essek wasn’t sure what drove him to ask, but before he knew it the words were already out. “Do you think I will change?”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Caleb looked at him, blue eyes piercing in the moment they met his own. “This group, you already have, at least a little”, he quirked a slight smile, “or I do not believe you would have been so tolerant of this band of assholes before”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Essek was never quite sure why they called themselves assholes. They were annoying sometimes, yes, but assholes. Essek had met a great many assholes before, the Nien were not among them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was not tolerant when we first met”. And wasn’t that a funny thought. Essek couldn’t pin down when he had changed, when the Nien had moved from unnecessary complications to Important.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was an Essek out there somewhere who would have killed the Nien when they discovered him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When did he stop being that Essek?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When did the idea of that Essek start to make him feel sick? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He needed to change the subject. Or maybe change the subject back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you regret that you did not take the Luxon?”. Essek had always been too curious.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I am glad that I stayed with the Nien”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Essek understood that all too well. “I am”, it was harder than expected to get out, “I am glad you did not leave”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If Caleb had left with the Luxon then the chain of wild, unpredictable events that had brought the Nien to him would not have happened.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even with everything that had happened since Essek could not regret the Nien, even if they regretted him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I do not know if I will become what you wish me to be”, Essek admitted. It was probably safe to tell Caleb that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“When I was first with the Nien I took every day as it came, I did not know if I was going to stay. I’m willing to take a chance”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Essek was glad for all the practice he had at keeping a straight face, for a moment he was back on the ship, his world crashing down.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Caleb was still there, still reaching out and he was not the only one. “I will do my best to be worthy of it”.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If Caleb could change, then maybe Essek could too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. all the masks we share</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Have you heard of Uk’otoa?” Fjord asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a moment Essek had the strangest urge to echo the name back, thankfully that bit of momentary insanity passed. “I believe I have heard you mention that name”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right”, Fjord said, stopping and shifting, “he used to be my, well, patron, is the word I suppose. He gave me power, in return I was supposed to free him”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“May I ask who Uk’otoa is?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fjord told him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek almost wished he hadn’t asked. “And there is only one seal left?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re working on that”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew he shouldn’t ask. He still did, “and you broke the seals?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One of them, the other one was a”, Fjord paused, obviously searching for a word, “group effort. But I suspect I would have broken it alone as well”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was going to be one of those conversations, Essek could tell. “I already know you don’t trust me”. It still hurt to say it through, it made those words that much more real. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess you’d know a lot about masks”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek tried not to take it as too much of a jab. “I have been known to use them”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did we ever know you? The real you, under all those masks?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek tried not to let the question hurt, if he was in their place then he supposed he would be asking the same. “I was more real with you at dinner that night then I have been with anyone in over a century”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to trust you”, Fjord admitted and Essek tried not to get his hopes up, “I understand what it's like to wear a mask and then feel trapped by it, that was why I had that accent for so long, I was afraid if I stopped then they wouldn’t want me around anymore”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That didn’t happen though”, and Essek was trying really hard not to be envious about that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It didn’t”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you made up your mind about me then?”. Fjord had been one of the most opaque members on that night. He still didn’t quite know where he stood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you care about us”, Fjord said carefully, “I don’t doubt that. I just understand masks”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do not know what I can do to convince you I am sincere”. That was the hardest part of any of these conversations. That they all wanted the answers that he had already given and there wasn’t anymore he could say and still be true.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to believe you are sincere, I want to believe that this group has changed you, if only a little”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek wished he had the words to express just how much the group had changed him, maybe it hadn’t changed him into someone they truly could like, but they had changed him nonetheless. “I hope you don’t doubt that you’ve changed me”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If they doubted that then what would be the point?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you still have”, Fjord paused for a moment, “still done what you did?”, he finished, dancing around the words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was probably safer that way, neither of them knew if anyone else was listening.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was so tempting to lie. To put on the mask of the repentant sinner, the Nien looked like they would be kind to that mask. Be a friend to that mask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He so desperately wanted to be their friend again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wanted to be their friend again, not his mask. “I do not know”, Essek admitted. He regretted the way it made the Nien look at him, yes, but the knowledge. He still wanted the knowledge.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Even with the war?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This again. “I believe your group has an overinflated sense of the connection between the two. As someone who has spent decades in the Bright Queen’s Court, in service to her, I believe that the war was inevitable”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you do not blame yourself for the war”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Even after they went missing there was peace for a time”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you regret lying to us?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was another thing that Essek had to be careful about. “I regret that my actions were perceived as a betrayal, I regret that every interaction I have had with you and the rest of the Nien is now being questioned. That I regret deeply”, and Essek knew that it was dangerous to point it out, he couldn’t help himself. High risk, high reward, “my mask, as you would call it, was not broken on that night”, and there was no need to explain what night he was talking about, “but before. I was your friend, that was real”, and Essek desperately wanted Fjord to understand that. “You cared for the Nien even when you used your other voice”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fjord let out a sound that was almost a laugh. “You are right there”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So even if you believe I am nothing but masks, is it too hard to believe that I am the same. Someone who came with a mask and a goal, but then found myself caring”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would like to believe that”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hope you can”.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. its warm now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Essek didn’t know how to act around Yasha. To be fair, this was not a new condition for him around Yasha.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yasha had been gone for so much of the time that he had known the Nein. In a way, he was more acquainted with her absence, with the hushes and determined looks of her family, then he was with her presence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What is it like to be loved like that? What would it be like to have people who chase you all over the continent, no matter how low the odds are.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek pushed questions away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t matter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were both standing in silence. Essek had the feeling it was awkward, but it was a different flavor of awkward than normal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was something Yasha wanted to say. Essek just needed to give her an opening. “Is there”, he paused for a moment, this was worse than normal, “is there something you need to say to me”. It slipped out before he could stop himself, “do you wish to judge me too?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yasha had been one of the quieter ones on that night. Maybe it was her turn to say her piece.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was quiet, eyes distant like she was trying to find the words. “The first time I met Obann, I was angry”, and Yasha paused, which was good because Essek was reeling from that information. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did the Nein know? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Without people. Without people it is easy to lose your way. I understand that. Will you hurt them?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek didn’t need to clarify who the them was. “I fear I already have”. There was no other way he could put it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nothing he could do to make it better.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If someone tried to hurt them, you would protect them?”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would”. It was funny how little he needed to question that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yasha stared at him, steady. There was something unsettling about her gaze, it wasn’t the eyes. Essek had seen far more eerie eyes than hers. It was something else. Something dark, piercing.  “Okay”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You believe me?”. It was too easy, Essek just couldn’t figure out what there was to be gained from lying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew his, possibly former, no matter how much thinking that hurt, friends didn’t trust him anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do”, Yasha said, still quiet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I betrayed you”, Essek’s mouth said, words running away from him even through he knew it was foolish to taunt someone. She was giving him what he wanted. “I betrayed you and thats it!”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Before you met them, you were different”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thats why?”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. If you betray us then I will remove your head”. She seemed to loom as she said that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Technically, Essek knew that he was stronger than any single member of the Nein. He was the Shadowhand to the Bright Queen, and he had not earned his position slightly. He bent the laws of gravity to his whims. It still made him want to gulp, even if he had better control than that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That is fair”. It was a chance. Even if not all the Nein were willing to be open again Essek was greedy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He would take what he could get.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were in silence again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It almost made him start. Essek felt unsteady, off balance. Yasha was good at that. “What for?”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I was”, Yasha started, before dropping the sentence. “You helped them”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We traded favors”, Essek felt compelled to point out, once again weakening his position.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have not asked for anything from us”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There doesn’t seem to be much of a point now”, it was too open to truly bring it up. It didn’t matter, no matter how little Essek wanted Yasha to know she already did, “considering”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“After we talked to the Bright Queen, you offered”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right. He had done that in a reckless, impulsive attempt to learn more about them. It would have gone badly, if he had actually teleported them back to the Empire.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He still couldn’t quite regret the offer, or the dinner that came after. It had been warm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have me there”, Essek admitted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You care about them”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are part of that as well”, Essek was always good at reading between the lines. “You were right about loneliness. I do not wish to go back there”. Even though it sometimes felt inevitable. Inevitable and so much worse than before, now that he knew what warth felt like.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let's hope that neither of us end up back there”.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. all the empty halls</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wow. I actually finished something :D This was a really fun way to look into Essek's pov.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You didn’t have the Traveler when you were little?”, Jester asked, sitting on the edge of his table. Essek could see the dick she was idly tracing on his table. He didn’t bother to point it out, he had seen enough of Caleb’s spell book to know some things were just inevitable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I did not have the Traveler growing up”. He still wasn’t quite sure who the Traveler was, but his research had shown he was likely not a god.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was really really really lonely before I met the Traveler, like I had my mamma and she was amazing but she was also super busy because everybody loves her, not just me. But then I met the Traveler, and I didn’t have to be lonely anymore because he is an awesome best friend. But you didn’t have the Traveler. So you must have been lonely”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I believe I was. It was not something I realized for a long time”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jester laughed, it was a bright, warm sound. Essek wanted to savor it. “I know, I know, I know, I wish you had had the Traveler growing up”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek thought about the dick that Jester had just drawn on his table. He thought about the numerous other dicks that were certainly scattered throughout Wildmount. He thought about the Ball Eater.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thought about Jester’s general exuberance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thought about his own nature as a child.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do not believe that the Traveler would have suited me, even if we had met while I was a child”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He makes a really, really good friend”, Jester reminded him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do not doubt that, just that he would have made a good friend for me”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wonder what it would have been like if we had met as kids”, Jester let off the table dramatically, and Essek noticed the three dicks she had left in her wake, “I bet we would have been friends and I could have shown you all the really good hiding places and-”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do believe we were in two different countries”, Essek pointed out, feeling slightly guilty for interrupting Jester.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's why this is hypothetical”. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Even so, I do not believe my mother would have allowed us to meet”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jester was silent for a moment. “Hey, Essek, is your mamma awesome. Were you two like super close when you were little. Did you play games? Did she paint with you? Did you guys like to bake together or practice your skills together?”. She asked, rapid fire.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It always took him a moment to sort through Jester’s questions. “We were not”, Essek paused, this was always dangerous to admit, but then again, Jester knew far more dangerous things about him, “close when I was a child. Now we have a mutual respect as members of Den Thelyss”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you didn’t have a mamma and you didn’t have a Traveler”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am afraid not”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly Jester’s arms were around him. Constricting him. It was a good thing that his feet were on the ground, otherwise he would have been knocked over by the force.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took Essek a moment to realize what Jester was doing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a hug. Essek tried very hard not to freeze up. It was always hard to figure out what to do when someone hugged him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Do I hug back? Do I struggle? Do I reach around her? How do I hug back?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He settled for awkwardly patting her back until it was over and she had pulled back again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“May I ask what the hug was for?”. That was an appropriate question to ask, at least, Essek hoped that it was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You needed one. I would have been super lonely without mamma and the Traveler. Like, maybe I was lonely sometimes, a little, just like a teany, tiny bit, and that was with them both as they are like the bestest friend and mamma ever, but you didn’t have either. Do you think things would have been different if you did?”, Jester explained, gesticulating wildly with her arms for emphasis.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek tried to imagine a life where the Umavi asked after him, hugged him regularly. He tried to imagine a life where he had a friend who told him to draw dicks and pull pranks. “I am afraid that is rather unimaginable for me”, he admitted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hoped Jester did not get upset at him for that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's okay though, cause you have us now!”, Jester announced with finality.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It hurt to say it. It still had to be said. “I am afraid I do not, I know I have hurt members of your group deeply”. It was all too easy for him to see.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, Beau and Veth are like, super mad!”, Jester started and Essek hadn’t known that his heart could sink farther, “not everyone is! I’m not. I don’t want you to be alone either”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Essek tried to imagine Jester in his place. He couldn’t, they were just too different.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then again, he was pretty sure that Jester had the better imagination.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>